Well it's now been about 4 months since my last entry and let me tell you that it's been an interesting time. I've learned a lot about myself since November and have been reflecting the last while. Obviously as I've reflected I've kicked myself numerous times for stupid things I've done, but so far it hasn't gotten me down.

The biggest thing I guess in the last month and a half has been a rather large change in confidence and attitude. I went away on a weekend retreat to Gardom Lake Bible Camp with my young adults group. Let me tell you it was the most fun I've had in years. I got a chance to get to know the people I call friends much better. The resulting growth and changes in life that have happened since are only because God is involved.

At the Saturday night session God moved incredibly. I mean so much so that Kenny our speaker essentially decided that his sermon wasn't important enough to stop everything. So we just kept praising and praying. Well as we were standing there singing I started crying. My heart had hit it's breaking point and everything started coming out. I lay face down a the front just sobbing my eyes out, crying out to God.

Earlier that day I had written in my journal and asked that he release me of my uptightness and fear. I'd been hiding myself from getting attached to anyone for so long I'd had enough. I could no longer take hiding who I was, who I was to be. Pretty much up to that point I was feeling so alone I didn't know what to do. So I brought it before the Big Guy.

Well I had about 6 people(wouldn't know exactly how many though) lay hands on me and pray. I tell ya something surged through me, I started shaking and heave sobbing. The suddenly the tears and sobbing stopped and I mean stopped. There was no residual sobs or whatnot, it just stopped. Immediatly I knew something had changed. So I sat on the floor hugging and praying with my good friend Duane, both of us with tears flowing down our faces.

So heres where the last month starts getting interesting. Just after that prayer session I asked someone out. Wasn't the swiftest thing to have done looking back now. But it made me realise that I didn't have any aprehension about asking someone out. I suddenly had confidence without a hint of fear. Nervousness yes, fear no. That is where I did stupid thing #1..

Stupid thing #1: Asking a girl out when a couple weeks prior I'd talked to someone else about going out.

Yeah I know, I now have the women of the world pulling out the knives and the guys are cringing. Wait it doesn't stop there. This is leading to stupid thing #2. So now I had confidence, but lacked wisdom.

Stupid thing #2: I told Jodi (girl I'd talked to about going out with) that I'd asked someone else out.

I can hear the guns being loaded and the guys are now going, "You're so dead meat dude. See ya." Yeah I told her that I'd asked someone else out. But at the time I figured it was better I tell her than let someone else tell her. The logic worked at the time. Well the thing with the one I asked out at the retreat didn't work out. Never actually went on a date.

Now here comes Stupid thing #3... Ok up till this point it's been 4 days since the Saturday night. Now not more than a day after the first ended I got a phone call from a good friend I'd wanted to date for easily 4 years. I was like, "Woo hoo!! It's about time." So we set a date for Valentines day the following Monday. Then Jodi called and wanted to go for coffee.

Stupid thing #3: I told Jodi about the date. Again the logic of tell her first hand was still in effect.

Well the Valentines thing didn't work either. I prayed about it and it just didn't feel right. In fact I was feeling sick about it. So 3 hours before the date was to begin I canceled it. Later that week I went for coffee with Jodi.

This is where things started looking up. We went for out and I apologised for being such an insensative jerk. And pretty much at that point I had realised that I had blown a really big chance, I mean a really big one. I mean yeah we were still friends and all but when you do something like that to someone whos interested it's not good in any way shape or form.

So at the point of the coffee night it had been pretty much two weeks since Saturday the 4th. In that time I'd asked one girl out, been asked out by another, and neglected the feelings of another. Good going Nick.

Now it wasn't until a couple days ago, this now being mid-March, that I realised what changed at the retreat. Up until that point I'd been searching for a relationship out of loneliness. Yeah I was giving things up to God but didn't give me loneliness.

Well Jodi and I are now going on our fourth week of dating and I couldn't be happier. It wasn't until my birthday party on the 28th that I realised I actually wanted to be with Jodi. Not out of loneliness but because I wanted to. Loneliness has nothing to do with anything anymore. I want nothing more than to make her happy and have a healthy, vibrant God centered relationship. Really when it comes down to it God had a big part in getting us together.

I havn't felt this happy and alive in a long time. It feels right for once, and I mean right.


God continue to bless Jodi and I as we continue to grow in our relationship together and with you. Be our guide and our strength. I thank you for the chance to love such a wonderful young woman. Help me to continue to love her as she is to be loved. Thank you God.

Amen

What the heck am I worried about? I mean seriously why am I so caught up in feeling I need to be in pursuit of girls or money or Love. I'm supposed to be waiting on God to show me answers and direction, yet I pull restlessly against the promises I've made. I want so much yet I'm too worried with what I need to be doing to get there. "..do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself," Matthew 6:34. Yeah it comes back to the give it to God thing.

There are so many things I want to become....I want.... I want to marry the love of my life and share every sacred moment with her. I want to have a family and be the worlds greatest dad. I want to be a success so my children can grow up in a stable environment. I want to precede my childrens children.

What a self-serving attitude eh. All I seem consumed by lately is what I want, not what I need. What I need to be doing is being content with where I'm at in life. I have all I need around me, I have a loving family, loving friends, a roof over my head and food inside me. Yet inside me I still have this drive that says, "fall in love, get married." As sure as I am the I will I can't face it right now. It feels so right but it's not time and I keep wishing it was.

One thing I do want, and it is a good want, is to be the best friend I can be to those who want to call me friend. I want to be closer to the One who made me who I am. I want to know God better than I've ever known him. I need to give my worry up to him or else I'm doomed. I can't function in life if I'm worried all the time.

Lord, I need your peace, I need your tranquility. Take my worries and my stubborn ambition to drive myself. You're the one who's in control, not I. My heart longs for what you have in store for me. Let me be what you would have of me. I give my longings to you, take them as your own I pray.

In Jesus wonderful glorious name,
Amen

Well I've gotta be honest with you, the last couple days have made me so thankful that I'm not in a relationship right now. I now see reasons to actions I'd never noticed before, and have an understanding I didn't have before. It just makes a clearer case for me to keep trusting in Christ because the love provided by man isn't enough. I can love all I can but without him I'll spiral into nothingness, my heart will implode and become a pit of despair.

In these times where all seems to be taken away, remember God is there. He loves you, he cares for you, even when you don't think he's there. He's always by you side, some just refuse to accept it. They say "Well if he's here then why did he allow this to happen? Why me?" My response is that maybe something needed to change for him to get your attention. When things are ripped down and destroyed generally something much better is built up in it's place, it just takes time.

So your relationship has crumbled from your fingers. You shake your fist at the Almighty because after all he's just a kid with a mangnifying glass ready to fry you. You pray that if he'd fix things that person would talk to you, but when they don't so you do more fist shaking. How can God really care if he doesn't fix something that was unfixable in the first place? Maybe because it wasn't meant to be from the beginning.
I draw your attention to Job 35:13-14
"Indeed, God does not listen to their empty plea;
the Almighty pays no attention to it.
How much less, then, will he listen
when you say that you do not see him,
that your case is before him
and you must wait for him."

You must wait, of course he's not going to answer you right away. Have some faith you impatient fool, God knows what's best for you regardless of what you feel you need. You say you need a person who will let you down, someone to hold onto and love even if they don't reciprocate. What you really need is GOD. All will come into focus when you give your all to him. His son Jesus Christ died so that we might find life and peace in his arms. Yet for some reason we turn our backs and walk in the opposite direction, thinking we can do it on our own.

Isaiah 42:20 "You have seen many things, but have paid no attention; your ears are open, but you hear nothing."

Maybe you should start listening to the words of those who know you best. Quit trying to make ends meet on your own.

Jeremiah 17:23
"Yet they did not listen or pay attention; they were stiff-necked and would not listen or respond to discipline."

The best advice I can give is to give your all to Jesus. Give him your problems, your pains, your troubles, your good and bad times. Give him your heart, soul body and mind. You're body is the temple of God, created in his image to glory his name. Stop filling it with crap and lies and fill it with his love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness. Drop all that is dragging you down and embrace the one who made you. All will become clear as day, your troubles will become nothing if you give it up to God.

I gotta get out more. I've been sitting here for the last couple evenings staring at a screen. I don't know what I've done in this time, just wasted my time I guess. Do I have anything else to really do? Not really no. My life is kinda boring, mind you I'm starting to take up sculpting so that should be good once it gets going.

I've resigned myself to solitude again I guess. I'm not endevoring to get out, or go places. I just sit here waiting for someone to come on MSN or to call on the phone. My week seems to drag on and on just waiting for something to happen. Maybe I should start praying something will happen.

well short for now,

Nick

Can my tounge say these things it does with a clear conscience? Sometimes the answer is most definatly no. I honestly can say I've not kept the most dangerous part of my body under check the last while. I'll be thinking about saying one thing and suddenly quite the opposite comes out. The other thing that has tended to happen is I'd go off in a blue streak of verbal polution at the slightest thing (under my breath of course, no better though). James 3 calls the tounge "a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

I've been guilty of praising God with my words, with song and music. Yet at the same time I swear at the jerk who cut me off in traffic or just use the profane in regular speach. "My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." I honestly say I'm quite ashamed of what I've said and done in the past. I've called myself "Christian" yet had not shown it through my life in any way shape or form. And to those who've seen me in these times I solemnly appolgise, if I placed doubt in your heart about Christianity then I'm truly sorry. It was never meant to be. I only have myself to blame. I've lived a facade for the last years and am ashamed.

My life has been filled with trials of all types. I've been deserted by many and called a traitor. I've been hated for nothing. Each time I've taken them as offence against myself, never once taking it as an attack against not just me but God as well. I kept wondering why God would do this to me. Why would the people in his service feel the need to betray? Why should I be involved with the dysfunctional, uncooperative, whiny, childish, and foolish church? I'd had enough and started taking my life in my own hands. Man was that a mistake. It started with cutting my involvments in church. Then it cascaded into not reading the Word. Soon I found myself trapped in porn and the "wonderful" vices involved with it. Swearing had become common place. The only thing I did not do was the world of drugs and premarital sex, woopety doo break one commandment break them all.

I hit the point where life was no longer worth living. I was overwhelmingly dryed up, tired of being pushed around. I came up with a plan to drive my car into a nearby canyon and just end it all. I didn't tell anyone, I wasn't going to let anyone talk me out of it. So I went to do it, but do you think I could find my keyes? nope, not at all. So I didn't go through with it. I felt that I would give life a chance to see if anyone really did care. I later found my keys....in my pocket. Much didn't change in the coming couple years. I still carried a mask with me wherever I went. Faith kind of started to build up when I got into worship ministry. But soon it too died, as did my ministry. God finally had my attention as I loved playing music. He said I needed to get things straightened out if I was to continue. How was I to be a fruitful person for him if I kept doing the things I was doing?

I was a screw up. I was running away on a self-destructive path of vice and pleasure. Then I got stopped by a friend this past summer. She essentially said, "what are you so afraid of? God has nothing but Love and a future for you, yet you run. What is so scary about having a life that he has planned for you?" I honestly didn't have an answer. She showed me how to pray again, and let me tell you it was the first time I'd broken down crying in years. God showed me his presence and his grace. "16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." Thats where I've been. "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." Thats where I'm striving to be.

I'm not saying I'm still not struggling with the things I've done. I have, however, seen a massive change in my life. I've had such an increadible jump in faith. For the first time in my life I've given something up to him and I feel total peace about it. My good friend Heather has shown me what it means to be a patient follower of God. She's taught me what it means to lean on God to show us where we're to go; to wait on him for healing. Even if she's done nothing but show me through her life, I've learned. I've felt such a release knowing that he's in control. I've outlined this in previous entries.

Life is looking up. I've got a friend who cares for me, one who's never betrayed me or stabbed me in the back. He's stayed there through all this hardship and backstabbing I've done to him. I couldn't ask for a better friend. The things he's shown me and still is showing me are awsome. All we as people have to do is trust him, and thats exactly what I'd be running from. Now I'm on the path to recovery, he's restored my ministry in worship arts and has provided solid friends to help me along the way.

Well thats what I've got tonight,

God Bless to all who read this. May my words be an encouragement to you. Peace is just a perspective change away.


Nick

You're not meant to be alone in this world. While it is true we have God as our comfort and strength, it doesn't seem to hold that someone can exist without a physical companion. Now I know that God is sufficient but how are we to live without a touch from someone real? We are never alone, yet how do we feel loved? I hold onto myself, God is all I need, everything else is meaningless. How does that work? How can we exist completely on the spiritual and totally ignore the physical feelings we have?

The apostle Paul once wrote in 1 Corinthians 7
"32An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- 34and his interests are divided."

Ah so thats it. A man or woman is better not to marry because it would divid his/her interest and devotion. But no, earlier in the chapter he writes, "1It is good for a man not to marry. 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband."

Ok now I'm confused. The whole concept of don't marry, marry is shifted a couple times in this chapter. So what am I to do? On one hand I'm to marry due to the state of the world; it'll keep me out of trouble. Yet on the other I'm not to marry because my focus would be divided. However neither is wrong. If you're to marry then marry, you've done no wrong. If you don't marry, you've done no wrong. But it all really comes down to what God has laid on your heart, beyond that don't look.

If we just put our hope in him and give him our all we'll be perfectly ok. This is something I've personally been struggling with the last while. I try with all my might to control the things happening around me and to my disgust everything crumbles. I've lost relationships, and ministry to my will. It's a tought thing to do to give somthing like Love and marriage, heck even your day to God. The biggest thing though is that he wants EVERYTHING, not just the left overs. He wants your heart, your soul, your mind, your body, everything inside and out to be for him. This is why it's so hard for so many of us to let go of the trivial things.

Let go of the need to be loved by nothing. If you fall in love with the soul mate God has chosen for you then so be it. But don't go wasting your time looking for the one, believe me it's pointless. I just reached that point in my life where I know whats in my heart, I know what God has told me, it's just in his hands for when it's to happen. I'm done, finished, and utterly exhausted. Give it to God once and for all, stop trying to hold onto it, it's not going to work.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2Corinthians 12:9

Here's a note from my journal last night. It was pressed on my heart and I needed to write it out.

"Take my hand and I'll walk with you. Your heart wasn't meant to carry this load alone. Give it away, it's not yours. Put your hope in me and I'll stand with you. Trust in my name and you will be free. I see all your pain and all the hurt that's inside. Pour it all out for my heart to see. I am right beside you in these desolate times."



Nick

Today I was at work and was just praying about my ministry and goals with music. Over the last while I've been thinking about ways to grow and expand. One of which is to start producing an album with my band. While I still need to talk over things with them I think it would be a good way to get our music out there.

So then I got thinking about certain aspects of the band. One, we don't have a name. Not much of a problem but kinda slows down band recognition. Some names I've been tossing around in my head just keep resounding but nothing sounds like it will fit. Again all I can do is pray for inspiration. I could always take an email raffle of ideas from the Alive group :). A couple I've been thinking of are "Celestial" or "Blessed" or "Sanctified". But really nothings popping yet (keep praying Nick, keep praying).

As for the album I have the first cover already planned. It's going to be called "Beloved, Lover, Friend." All through the Song of Songs Solomon writes those words, Beloved, Lover, Friend, over and over again. Then it clicked in my head that Christ is our Beloved, Lover and Friend. I figured it would be a cool title for the CD. Then I came up with this other idea, that not only do we call it that but there are three songs intersperced on the album, one called Beloved, another called Lover and the last called Friend. Simple eh. So I'm thinking about asking a couple other members in my band, who are quite talented musicly, to come up with some song ideas along those lines.

well thats what I've come up with so far,

Lata,

nick

Well tonight was our last official practice till we play at Alive. Let me tell you I am pumped!! I've never clicked with a group of new musicians so quickly. We had fun, and the set was pulled off beautifully. Now all I can do is pray pray pray. Thank you God for your strength and your glory!!

Well today cutting the grass was a chore, literally. After a couple weeks of rain the grass stood around 2 feet tall in areas. Sufficed to say a 30 minute job took 2 and a half hours. I've never cut that much grass at this house as long as I can remember.

On another note...

Two days to crunch time. Monday night will be the debut of my band and I at Alive. Not only am I nervous I'm out right terrified. I know things will go great, things will be awsome, but I still can't help the whatifs. "What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I lose my step and make fools of us all."
There is the fact that I could look like an absolute failure, not just in my eyes but in the eyes of my band and my closest friends.

The reality is that I need to keep my focus on God, so that the music doesn't become just a performance but worship beautiful to his ears. There have been times when I'm up on stage and it's become all about me and nothing else; and on those days I have failed miserably. Not this time. I will go into it expecting God to be the one in control, not I. For through him all things are possible, through him all can and will be. However only if we rely on him for strength and wisdom.


May the sounds of our mouths be sweet to you, Oh Lord. Hold our hearts on high and don't let us fall. Guide us, mold us, shape us into who you want us to be. Use our hands, feet and mouths to proclaim your glory through music to others. Empower us with your Love and hold our hands through these times. Through you all will be made fresh and new. Protect our hearts and be with each one in these days, I pray.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

Well once again a case of tongue-tied ness has struck again. Why is that every time I want to say something important it comes out jumbled or just not at all? I get so caught up in how beautiful her eyes and her smile are that I just go blank. Suddenly everything I want to say seems so futile and irrelevant. It's so frustrating. I was even hanging out with her tonight and I could not say a freaking word, other than I had been concerned for her and was praying for her. While it was all good it was only part of what my heart wanted to say, and the tongue wouldn't let it out for some reason.

I want to say how I will be there, how I will comfort, mostly how I will wait. How can I not wait, I'd have to be foolish not to. I've been told to wait, not from just from her but from God, and I shall. The last time I was told to wait for an answer lasted 2 years. I was totally sure that she was to be the one, only with time to have a definitive 'No' happen. Her life has left on a totally different path, which looking back now wouldn't have been a good idea in the first place. But this time it's different, this time it's not just a wait and see, it's a wait and you'll be rewarded. Song of Songs 8:4 N.A.S. "Do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases." Another version is "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Either way it's very pointed that I need to wait for Gods timing in this. If I don't I'll fail, but I need to be extra attentive and constantly pray about it.

Until then, and if she reads this she'll know, here’s what I will be:

I will be a friend first and foremost because Love cannot function without friendship. Quite honestly most people in this world don't get that being friends is what it's all about, so she’s pretty, if you can't stand her personality then why date or marry her? I'll touch on Love further down. Friendship is one of the most important aspects to me personally. If I couldn't trust them as a friend why would I as a spouse? A true friend will stick by your side through think and thin.

I will be a comfort when she feels down or sad. Again most people don't get this either. Comforting is a major part of life, it's someone to lean on, to hug when need be, to cry with, to praise with, to have good old fashioned fun with, to dance in the rain with.

I will be patient. I have been told to be patient and I shall. Patience is well worth it in the long run as its better to know someone for a while then not at all and end up miserable. However if I wait too long it will never come to be, as it has in the past. I'd been given a go in the past but never acted on it. This time I will when it comes.

I will be truthful. Telling the truth is another big thing. If I cannot tell the truth and must always hide things then what good is that to a trusting relationship? How is she supposed to trust me if she doesn't know I'm telling the truth?

I will be kind, understanding, and I will listen. I can't stand to see guys treating their girl, wife or otherwise, like crap. I mean come on is that really what a relationship is about? Most guys don't get it that when something is wrong they need to shut the frik up and listen. And even if they do it just blows in one ear and out the next. True listening is a skill mastered with time; few have the patience to and end up with problems. Understanding comes with time as well, as you listen you learn, as you learn you understand. As for kindness, well open doors for her, make her feel like a princess or queen. Compliment her even if it isn't her best day, hold her purse if need be, give her your jacket on a cool night, stuff like that.

I will Love always. Love is an integral part of kindness and patience. You need to have an awful lot of Love to be patient for a long time. As relationships grow and mature a mutual Love for each other develops, not the worldly shallow "love" but a deep meaningful Love. Love is brought through Christ and without him how can we say we have Love?

I will keep praying. If I stop praying then there is something wrong. Not only will the relationship not come to pass, I'd kick myself for not bringing it before the Lord. Only he knows the stars names and only he will know when the time is right. All I can do is sit back, pray, and let her know that I'm waiting not just for her but also for God.


I've got my signal; it just depends on when God gives his to her.

Until next time,

Nick