Well so begins a new thing for me. It was suggested that I take up a journal to arrange my thoughts and relieve some tension. Little did I know that it would be addictive. As I started a pencil and paper were the more normal things to use (and I still use them for things I don't want online). Then I realized, I spend hours online every day so why not start a blog. So here I am, typing away at my computer.

So here goes.....Entry #1......

As time goes on people go through life at an extraordinary pace sometimes going long periods of time without a break. After a while these people wear out, rather burn out, causing them to spiral down crashing relationships and lives all around us. It is in these times when the people become hostile to those who were close to them and cut ties with things they once loved. This could be called a minor, or major depending on the person, case of xenophobia. They don't want to do anything or be anywhere with anyone, just wanting to sit alone and recuperate.

I was like this until recently. In high school I was a peer tutor in a Computer Animation class. As time progressed I realized (and my teacher realized as well) that I knew more than anyone in the class including the teacher. One class turned into two blocks, two blocks turned into my major study of grade 11/12 for a total of about 6 blocks out of 16. Time and time again I'd show up for class only to get stuck trouble shooting some twits problem with a (insert meaningless, time-wasting, moronic problem here). I began to grow weary of the environment yet no matter what I did I couldn't escape it. I'd get called out of other classes to help to the point where I almost failed, and did fail, some of the most crucial courses to getting a Post-Secondary Degree. Now as I went along I kept telling myself that it was almost over or I could hide in another class or whatever. It just wouldn't go away. Now don't get me wrong though, I loved the satisfaction of other kids learning from me in a class where everything was new to them. That is where I fell.

I became so caught up in trying to better others that I burned myself out. It got to a point that I would just sit and stare blankly at the monitor wishing that the damn thing would go away. Eventually I became so fed up with everything that I started cutting ties with people and things I loved doing. I contemplated dropping my commitments at church and just hiding myself away so I could be alone. I didn't want anything to do with music, computers, or people. I wanted to get a low-tech job like construction grunt or something like that. Life began to grow tired, "bereft of life". Nothing new had happened; I didn't want to learn anything new, hell I didn't want to do anything new or old for that matter. I was content sitting at home, playing with legos, and watching re-runs of Star Trek.

Everything that happened to me was because of one reason and one reason only(well maybe more but only one that I can think of). I had become so stubborn, so self guided that I refused to let others stand in the gap. I had to be the one making sure that everything was running smoothly. If anyone said anything to me I just blew them off, friend, foe, and family. Nothing they would do or say could change what was going on inside my head, what I had "planned" for my life (which in actual fact was nothing :D). I just wanted to be alone and people wouldn't get it. Some tried to get me to do things I didn't want to, others just thought I was a jerk for being standoffish. But never once did I have someone come up and actually sit down and talk with me. Not once. No one dared sit down with me try and figure out what was going on. And if they did notice something wrong they wouldn't say anything for fear that I might react the wrong way and blow up at them. In fact I was longing for someone to say something, to sit and talk with me about life. I haven’t had that kind of conversation with someone in years. Most convos go to the tune of "how are things going? Oh ok." nothing more.

 "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" does anybody care? You may care, you may not. It's up to you, the reader, to see what is inside. If you can't, then you are blind and unsympathetic to those around you. You can't bother seeing what is inside the people who mean the most to you. Try figuring out their habits, their motives and ways of doing things. Be gentle, be kind. Open your eyes and see who they really are, not just the outer shell but what lies beneath. Who cares if it might be ugly or scary, I have yet to find a person who really wants to know "Who" I am. That is a challenge to those out there. Know your friends well, for if you don't then you are no friend to them in the first place, you are an acquaintance.

So in closing I say this, I feel sorry for those who actually take the time to read my drivvel.


Until next time, later,

Nick