I've been guilty of praising God with my words, with song and music. Yet at the same time I swear at the jerk who cut me off in traffic or just use the profane in regular speach. "My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." I honestly say I'm quite ashamed of what I've said and done in the past. I've called myself "Christian" yet had not shown it through my life in any way shape or form. And to those who've seen me in these times I solemnly appolgise, if I placed doubt in your heart about Christianity then I'm truly sorry. It was never meant to be. I only have myself to blame. I've lived a facade for the last years and am ashamed.
My life has been filled with trials of all types. I've been deserted by many and called a traitor. I've been hated for nothing. Each time I've taken them as offence against myself, never once taking it as an attack against not just me but God as well. I kept wondering why God would do this to me. Why would the people in his service feel the need to betray? Why should I be involved with the dysfunctional, uncooperative, whiny, childish, and foolish church? I'd had enough and started taking my life in my own hands. Man was that a mistake. It started with cutting my involvments in church. Then it cascaded into not reading the Word. Soon I found myself trapped in porn and the "wonderful" vices involved with it. Swearing had become common place. The only thing I did not do was the world of drugs and premarital sex, woopety doo break one commandment break them all.
I hit the point where life was no longer worth living. I was overwhelmingly dryed up, tired of being pushed around. I came up with a plan to drive my car into a nearby canyon and just end it all. I didn't tell anyone, I wasn't going to let anyone talk me out of it. So I went to do it, but do you think I could find my keyes? nope, not at all. So I didn't go through with it. I felt that I would give life a chance to see if anyone really did care. I later found my keys....in my pocket. Much didn't change in the coming couple years. I still carried a mask with me wherever I went. Faith kind of started to build up when I got into worship ministry. But soon it too died, as did my ministry. God finally had my attention as I loved playing music. He said I needed to get things straightened out if I was to continue. How was I to be a fruitful person for him if I kept doing the things I was doing?
I was a screw up. I was running away on a self-destructive path of vice and pleasure. Then I got stopped by a friend this past summer. She essentially said, "what are you so afraid of? God has nothing but Love and a future for you, yet you run. What is so scary about having a life that he has planned for you?" I honestly didn't have an answer. She showed me how to pray again, and let me tell you it was the first time I'd broken down crying in years. God showed me his presence and his grace. "16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." Thats where I've been. "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." Thats where I'm striving to be.
I'm not saying I'm still not struggling with the things I've done. I have, however, seen a massive change in my life. I've had such an increadible jump in faith. For the first time in my life I've given something up to him and I feel total peace about it. My good friend Heather has shown me what it means to be a patient follower of God. She's taught me what it means to lean on God to show us where we're to go; to wait on him for healing. Even if she's done nothing but show me through her life, I've learned. I've felt such a release knowing that he's in control. I've outlined this in previous entries.
Life is looking up. I've got a friend who cares for me, one who's never betrayed me or stabbed me in the back. He's stayed there through all this hardship and backstabbing I've done to him. I couldn't ask for a better friend. The things he's shown me and still is showing me are awsome. All we as people have to do is trust him, and thats exactly what I'd be running from. Now I'm on the path to recovery, he's restored my ministry in worship arts and has provided solid friends to help me along the way.
Well thats what I've got tonight,
God Bless to all who read this. May my words be an encouragement to you. Peace is just a perspective change away.
Nick