The biggest thing I guess in the last month and a half has been a rather large change in confidence and attitude. I went away on a weekend retreat to Gardom Lake Bible Camp with my young adults group. Let me tell you it was the most fun I've had in years. I got a chance to get to know the people I call friends much better. The resulting growth and changes in life that have happened since are only because God is involved.
At the Saturday night session God moved incredibly. I mean so much so that Kenny our speaker essentially decided that his sermon wasn't important enough to stop everything. So we just kept praising and praying. Well as we were standing there singing I started crying. My heart had hit it's breaking point and everything started coming out. I lay face down a the front just sobbing my eyes out, crying out to God.
Earlier that day I had written in my journal and asked that he release me of my uptightness and fear. I'd been hiding myself from getting attached to anyone for so long I'd had enough. I could no longer take hiding who I was, who I was to be. Pretty much up to that point I was feeling so alone I didn't know what to do. So I brought it before the Big Guy.
Well I had about 6 people(wouldn't know exactly how many though) lay hands on me and pray. I tell ya something surged through me, I started shaking and heave sobbing. The suddenly the tears and sobbing stopped and I mean stopped. There was no residual sobs or whatnot, it just stopped. Immediatly I knew something had changed. So I sat on the floor hugging and praying with my good friend Duane, both of us with tears flowing down our faces.
So heres where the last month starts getting interesting. Just after that prayer session I asked someone out. Wasn't the swiftest thing to have done looking back now. But it made me realise that I didn't have any aprehension about asking someone out. I suddenly had confidence without a hint of fear. Nervousness yes, fear no. That is where I did stupid thing #1..
Stupid thing #1: Asking a girl out when a couple weeks prior I'd talked to someone else about going out.
Yeah I know, I now have the women of the world pulling out the knives and the guys are cringing. Wait it doesn't stop there. This is leading to stupid thing #2. So now I had confidence, but lacked wisdom.
Stupid thing #2: I told Jodi (girl I'd talked to about going out with) that I'd asked someone else out.
I can hear the guns being loaded and the guys are now going, "You're so dead meat dude. See ya." Yeah I told her that I'd asked someone else out. But at the time I figured it was better I tell her than let someone else tell her. The logic worked at the time. Well the thing with the one I asked out at the retreat didn't work out. Never actually went on a date.
Now here comes Stupid thing #3... Ok up till this point it's been 4 days since the Saturday night. Now not more than a day after the first ended I got a phone call from a good friend I'd wanted to date for easily 4 years. I was like, "Woo hoo!! It's about time." So we set a date for Valentines day the following Monday. Then Jodi called and wanted to go for coffee.
Stupid thing #3: I told Jodi about the date. Again the logic of tell her first hand was still in effect.
Well the Valentines thing didn't work either. I prayed about it and it just didn't feel right. In fact I was feeling sick about it. So 3 hours before the date was to begin I canceled it. Later that week I went for coffee with Jodi.
This is where things started looking up. We went for out and I apologised for being such an insensative jerk. And pretty much at that point I had realised that I had blown a really big chance, I mean a really big one. I mean yeah we were still friends and all but when you do something like that to someone whos interested it's not good in any way shape or form.
So at the point of the coffee night it had been pretty much two weeks since Saturday the 4th. In that time I'd asked one girl out, been asked out by another, and neglected the feelings of another. Good going Nick.
Now it wasn't until a couple days ago, this now being mid-March, that I realised what changed at the retreat. Up until that point I'd been searching for a relationship out of loneliness. Yeah I was giving things up to God but didn't give me loneliness.
Well Jodi and I are now going on our fourth week of dating and I couldn't be happier. It wasn't until my birthday party on the 28th that I realised I actually wanted to be with Jodi. Not out of loneliness but because I wanted to. Loneliness has nothing to do with anything anymore. I want nothing more than to make her happy and have a healthy, vibrant God centered relationship. Really when it comes down to it God had a big part in getting us together.
I havn't felt this happy and alive in a long time. It feels right for once, and I mean right.
God continue to bless Jodi and I as we continue to grow in our relationship together and with you. Be our guide and our strength. I thank you for the chance to love such a wonderful young woman. Help me to continue to love her as she is to be loved. Thank you God.
Amen
